Good news, humanity is saved!
In a unanimous and frankly astonishing backflip, today the world’s leaders gathered at the "Money over People 2023" conference and decided for the first time that humanity might in fact be worth saving.
Joe Biden remarked "Xi and I had this profound realization that our goals of making more money at all costs cannot be achieved if there is no economy left because people keep dying.".
Starting immediately, the majority of the world’s leaders have agreed to rapidly stop fossil fuel use, ban plastics, phase out cars, ensure no further toxic substances are released into our rivers and oceans and also to quickly reforest the world to stop soil erosion and repair the lungs of the world.
To fund this, the world’s biggest militaries will be decommissioned, with Rishi Sunak noting: "When you think about it, if we stop acting like aggressive and selfish bags of dicks, we just don’t need them. Why didn’t we think of this before?"
So there you have it folks. Maybe there will be a peaceful and happy future for our grandchildren after all.